Everything's Changed

So I guess today will be the day when everything changed… I have had so many of the same conversations over and over. I want so badly to think of something else, but I just can’t get past this. There has just been such an unrelenting parade of bad news that I am kind of numb to it. I think it only caps this day off that I’ve gotten sick now. I had a sore throat for a few days, but now I’m stuffed up, the whole deal.

Although, as I said to some friends earlier, I guess I should be grateful.

Those of you who know me well know that I’m passionate about this city, that I love the architecture and the grandeur and the dimension of it all. That, actually, may be the hardest part for me, as I don’t have anyone I’m close to who I’ve lost. I have just lost an innocence about the city I love, the city I spent my whole life trying to get to.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how privileged I am to be here, how so much of the world lives with this kind of terror, albeit on a smaller scale, every day. And I know that to be true. But part of the allure of this city is its arrogance. New York City as an entity has a swagger and a brashness that appeals to the entrepreneur in me, to the upstart in me. And part of that mindset requires feeling invulnerable.

My experience this morning was kind of unusual. I had been working on a project for work all night, so I didn’t go to bed until about 6:30. I somehow got up around 9 or shortly thereafter, which is decidedly atypical for me. I turned on the TV, which I almost never do, either, but I figured it would help me get up. Just as I was understanding the image on the screen of the north World Trade tower smoking, the second plane hit.

I had thought the first image was a fire at the towers, they’ve happened before and it’s always hard to understand what’s going on. But when the second plane hit, my sleep-addled brain thought that somehow it was a replay of whatever had caused the first fire.

I don’t want to think of the skyline being different here. I am so heartbroken by this. I had always assumed I would have kids someday and would take them up to see the view at Windows of the World. The scale of it all boggles my mind.

Thanks so much to all of you who wrote, called, or left a message… It’s helped tremendously. Right now I just want my city back. I had three hours’ sleep last night, and I’ve been going ever since on just adrenaline. Now this cold is catching up to me, my stuffy, sniffling nose is a good mask for these fits where I threaten to start crying again… It’s finally just time to sleep.

I talked about the view from my old office late last year. That view is gone forever…