I don’t ever know how to respond politely when declining a drink without sounding like either a religious teetotaler or a recovering alcoholic (I’m neither) so I could definitely relate to Alison’s lament about how to tell her neighbor she, like, doesn’t do that:

“hey, i was gonna ask you, and this might be a strange question” (oh crap he’s going to ask me out isn’t he, what should i say? thanks but i’m not interested in dating anyone right now thanks but i don’t like to go out with neighbors thanks but i can’t date or the dog gets jealous thanks but you’re kind of annoying?), “but do you do anything other than wine?”

“yeah…” i said, relieved he wasn’t asking me out.

“oh, good. bump?”

shit! why, oh why, did i not know he was talking about drugs? he was just talking about drugs ten minutes ago! why did i think, “well, i drink beer sometimes, and i enjoy a nice vodka tonic, and those things are other than wine, so my answer is YEAH”?

“oh! i mean, no! sorry!”

And hey, I learned what “bump” means in the slang that all the kids are using today! Hmm, I’m realizing that I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I think Adam Ant wrote a song about this.